A Space for Hope

I left my fulltime NP position in April of 2023

It was my first job out of NP school

And it was a job that I prayed for…

I left because during the 4.5 years I was there, life kept crashing into me.

I gave birth to Kolin in 2019 at 25 weeks and he stayed in the NICU for 6 months.

And I returned to work 2 months into his NICU stay.

I juggled seeing patients, pumping, and calling Kolin’s NICU for updates. 

I worked 4 ten-hour shifts and visited Kolin 2 hours away on my “off” days.

And when Kolin was just 13-months old, my husband died suddenly.

I spent the next 3 months locked in my home, grieving my husband, and caring for my sick child during a midst of a global pandemic.

I returned to work and did my best to balance my new load – solo parenting, multiple therapy and specialists’ appointments per week, and my patients. 

And I felt like I was failing everyone…

And I woke up on New Years Eve 2022; my whole body was hurting from the stress.

And that day while finishing up my charts, I looked down and saw my son playing by himself and I told myself I don’t have to live like this anymore.

And thus, I submitted my 3 months’ notice on January 2, 2023.And since then? 

Since then, I have been exploring my passions and taking Kolin to intensive therapy programs.

I finally had time to live and to explore, and to just breathe. 

And this time was very much needed but sometime last year, I got the itch to return to work....to take care of patients again.

And I prayed for a role that wouldn’t cost me too much but still allowed me to provide great care and make a difference.

A role where I still had time to pursue my other passions and the things that bring me joy.And today was my first day working solo at a school-based clinic where I am able to care for my community.

So, to my fellow grievers and caregivers: it’s okay to walk away from something that no longer serves you….

Even it if it is something you once prayed for and worked so hard to reach. It doesn’t mean you failed.

It doesn’t mean you can’t handle the hard things.

Sometimes walking away creates space for new beginnings and possibilities.

Sometimes walking away creates space for hope.

And maybe, when the time is right, you’ll find your way back to thing that you once loved,

But this time, it fits the new you and life you are living now.